Why Resolutions Rarely Work and What I Do Instead

On New Year’s Eve (or day, perhaps) many people partake in a time honored and much parodied tradition of setting resolutions. In theory, this goal setting exercise is intended to help shape some of one’s habits for the shiny new year. “I will spend less money” or “I will lose weight”, they might say. This is certainly something I have tried, and failed at many times before. I got a brand new notebook, all clean and full of promise and then began the very first page with my favorite pen, full of optimism and hope. I no longer engage in this exercise, at least not in this form. Not only because it has never worked for me, but also because I have learned some things along the way that have disproved this method of goal setting.

First off, the why is essential. It supplies the motivation and gives some meaning to a goal. It might seem obvious, but it is still a good place to start. And also, it’s not usually as obvious as it might appear at first blush. That deep, often painful or difficult digging is the true impetus for change. Without it, setting a goal is merely performative or an empty promise to oneself. For example, a deep dive into why you want to spend less money might initially yield that you’d like to be financially stable. Which is valid! But let’s go further. As we dig, you might discover a fear of scarcity or impulsive spending that soothes anxiety or a need for the latest and greatest to impress the people around you. Each path leads us further into shadow work, and further into our why.

With our why in hand, the next step is an actual action plan. It is easy to write down a list of goals and imagine the positive results. And I am definitely not relegating that part of the process to the proverbial trash bin! Daydreaming and going big are great places to start. My point is that simply stopping there is generally not a path to success. (And also, for some people it is. There is no “one size fits all” method to any of this stuff.) For me, the issue was that stopping at the daydreaming phase always left me ill prepared for, well, reality. Waking up on New Year’s Day and eating a salad for lunch is a great start but what about later when I wanted leftover cookies? What about the next day when there would be pizza at work? It wasn’t sustainable because there was nothing to back it up other than sheer motivation. And you need that ingredient, for sure. But you need some other ingredients as well to make the recipe successful. (Side note: I am merely using these examples as common examples or things I have encountered in my past experiences. I am not advocating for diet culture nor placing a value judgement on any food, and I am a huge proponent of intuitive eating.)

Evidence has shown that people who go on diets often end up gaining back more weight after the diet whereas the people who are able to lose weight and keep it off are those who change their habits. In essence, changing one’s habits amounts to creating an action plan and sticking to it. In the case of weight loss, this might mean: accounting for cravings, figuring out how and when to exercise and then taking the steps to make that happen such as joining a gym, setting rewards for desired behavior, identifying triggers for overeating and putting things in place to counteract them, so on and so forth. Someone who wants to spend less money might create a budget so they have a plan for paying down debt, putting money into savings, and spending money on things they truly want or need.

With the key learnings of digging for the why and creating an action plan in place, it was time to find something that worked better. There were some other developments along the way of course, such as collecting more knowledge about manifestation and clarity of intent. I also started creating my own planners, initially through the Bullet Journal method and then something that made more sense for my life. But ultimately the tool isn’t as important as its usability for you. My fiance prefers spreadsheets, and that’s how his mind works. I like colors, stickers, and writing in different directions.

With that I mention that my life is rather complicated, with lots of moving parts because I like it that way and with that, my method must reflect that. It would be overkill for some; As with anything, take what works for you and file the rest away with gratitude. I generally work on the solstices as this aligns with my spirituality. (This year I settled in on New Year’s Eve because moving and house matters have occupied most of my time and energy.) I like to create a sacred space with deep breathing, incense, and music to center myself and focus on the mission at hand. Then I look at the biggest picture- imagine anything, nothing is impossible. From there, I go a little narrower and determine what my specific intentions might be, in alignment with my hopes and dreams or the big stuff. If the goal is to write a book, my intention might be to write a certain number of chapters or to create an outline I feel I can work from. If my goal is to present at a certain number of conferences, I need to research which ones I want to apply for and consider my budget to make sure I have enough funds to cover transportation and lodging if I am accepted. I may also need to connect with my co-educator to see what we might be creating together with our shared project, as well as touch base with my fiance regarding finances and to gauge his interest in attending or co-presenting.

During this process, I am also ascertaining what is working and what is not. If you keep a journal, you might use it to help in this examination. This does two vital things: it helps me keep looking at my why’s and it and assists in evaluating my boundaries. When I keep these things at the forefront, I am able to make choices and set intentions that are true to my hopes and dreams. For example, there might be something about a particular organization which I help organize that is perpetually an annoyance, or that continues to put too much work on my plate. If the organization is otherwise healthy, in alignment with my values, and worth staying involved in, I may simply need to create some boundaries in order to continue my involvement. Or perhaps I have not been true to boundaries I have already put in place, and that is something to consider as well.

My intentions are divided by category, which equal out to what I refer to as my brands. I always have a personal one but then I also have ones for dance and modeling, relationship and mental health coaching and spiritual services, etc… Usually a reasonable number for each is about three but it also depends on the depth and urgency of each so there is some big picture thinking about time that goes on too. I have a flowchart that I put on a separate page that assists in my visualization for this consideration and on it goes all of my clubs, obligations, projects, and even social media accounts.

Once I am satisfied with the intentions I have set forth, it is time for an action plan. Again, the nature of this phase really depends on the intentions themselves. Sometimes it means creating an actual Action Plan and sometimes I can just start plotting my trackers and next steps. Trackers are a tool used in Bullet Journaling and other organizational tools, whereby various tasks are set up with a method of recording when they are completed. Mine have everything from content creation to self care on the daily tabs, and I then create another for weekly and monthly tasks such as the newsletter I produce for my temple. The thing to mention about trackers is that they can create a lot of stress for folks who tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves, such as myself. We’re all human and we are all doing our best! But it is a useful tool for seeing if there is something I’m letting slide. (Am I procrastinating because there is just too much? Because I really don’t want to do it? And if I continually don’t want to do it, why?)

I review this information daily during my clerical hours to assess my flow and priorities for the day, and weekly when I set up my calendar and have my weekly logistics meeting with my fiance. Writing things down is the best way to keep them in my head, so I add in a lot of notes and that is why having different colors is useful for me. But in aggregate, the collected data feeds back into the why’s and assists in the next session of intention setting. When patterns emerge, they encourage me to ask questions. Sometimes the investigation reveals harsh truths or things that seem unfair. However they ultimately always help me balance my energy and choose where to best invest my time, which is a gift even when it comes in difficult or uncomfortable ways.

Ultimately, is all the same thing? In some sense, sure. In other sense though, words matter and the intention we put behind them power different parts of our lives. Time may not always be linear but it is, at least in this lifetime, finite so one of the best things we can do is to make sure we are using it wisely. We all have the power to accomplish great things for ourselves, the people we love, our communities and even the world with even the smallest of changes to our habits, but in order to manifest our dreams we must utilize tools that help us unlock our greatest potential.